counting in the dark
by simple simone
Summary: 3 years since they left Hogwarts, bloody battles left half over, it is time to regroup and heal the wounds the war has wrought, Friendships lie in tatters and and families lie broken, can things be put back in order amongst the revelations? R
1. What remains

SHOCKS AND SUPRISES  
  
2005  
  
Ron balanced his quill on his nose in a severely bored way, he had been sitting there for about half an hour waiting for harry, who was concentrating so hard his tounge was sticking out, to finish his charms homework, every time ron tried to talk harry shushed him in an annoyed way so he was glad when Hermione arrived even though it was only to tell him he had to come and help patrol the corridors, he made a show of protesting but to be honest he enjoyed the stroles through the many stone passages and rooms with Hermione, it might be his seventh year here but he could still manage to discover new things...  
  
2008  
  
Ron stood up and looked in to the bottem of his coffee cup, he needed something stronger right now , with a crack he disappeared and reappeared seconds later in a cubicle in the toilets of a nearby club, he straightened out his top and walked out of the cubicle, stopping only briefly to check his reflection and fiddle with his hair then he was straight out on to the dance floor, well, the bar but it was deffinately out of the toilets, he ordered his drink and parked himself on a bar stool, after half an hour he was approached by a woman of about his age, she greeted him but he got up, heading first for the toilets but turning and heading for the muggle exit when he decided he like the air...  
  
2005  
  
after half an hour of patrolling Ron and Hermione hadn't found a single perpetrator, the sky grew dark outside the arched churchlike windows and there footsteps echoed in the corridors, Ron looked around at the young woman walking beside him, the light from the gas lamps flickered over her face, highlighting her features , as she blinked he noticed how long and dark her eyelashes were, his eyes travelled across her face and he felt a lurch just below his stomach, he closed his eyes and thought of the buck toothed, frizee haired 11 year old who had marched in to his carriage on the Hogwarts express over six years ago but when he opened them the beautiful woman was still there, this was there final year here, him Hermione and Harry, there final year at Hogwarts, there final year living together, there final year of friendship? Would the three be so close in different colleges, city's, countries even, he didn't know and he didn't want to find out, he wanted to freeze time, to stay here forever, safe from voldemort, safe from the world, safe with his best friend and...and, well, Hermione, no. he had to be firm with himself, his other best friend, that's all a friend, he felt nothing more and nothing less for her...  
  
2008  
  
Ron stepped out on to the street and breezed deeply , the air was anything but fresh here, in central London but it was better than the smoky club there was a distinct lump in his throat as he walked fast along the street , he was almost home when the tears began to roll down his cheeks, he was blinded by them and barrelled straight in to a woman... 


	2. an accidents rewards

Disclaimer: I don't own these absolutely spiffing characters , yno, that old chestnut  
  
A Chance Encounter  
  
2005  
  
Suddenly, in one moment everything changed, he cared nothing about he past or future, only the present mattered, he turned suddenly to face Hermione and put his arms around her, after almost no time they were locked in a passionate kiss...  
  
2008  
  
"sorry, I'm really, sorry, wasn't thinking, I"...  
  
Ron looked up and stopped abruptly, it may be 3 years older than when he last saw it but he recognised that face, stood silent, staring, for almost a minute before he let his thoughts enter his mouth  
  
"Hermione?"  
  
the women, who had been staring right back at him, opened her mouth and closed it again just as abruptly , a small child that Ron had not noticed before squirmed in its mothers arms, Ron looked down at the back of its red hood and backed away slightly.  
  
"I'm sorry, its just you look a lot like a girl I used to know, sorry"...  
  
he turned and took a step in the other direction, he'd done it again, he had seen Hermione and even Harry countless numbers of times in the streets in the last 3 years only to be left feeling foolish when they turned around and revealed themselves as other people entirely, but this time he had been so sure, he heard footsteps behind him and there was a cold hand on his shoulder, he turned around to see the woman smiling shakily at him  
  
"Ron?"  
  
she enquired, obviously hardly able to let herself believe what she was saying  
  
"Ron is that really you?"  
  
Ron nodded silently and she smiled again, pulling down the child's hood to reveal a bright shock of unmistakably red weasely hair...  
  
2005  
  
they did it in the room of requirement the DA used to use for there meetings, it was of course, perfect, but they had no time to notice there surroundings, they were caught up in the heat of the moment, a moment which would most certainly stay with them both forever  
  
authors note  
  
sorry its short and I haven't updated it for yonks, I had some other crap going on in 'the real world' and I'm sorry if its bad but I just finished a ton of maths homework from the last 3 weeks so you know, anyways, thanks to anyone who reads  
  
love  
  
Lotte 


	3. getting up to date

Getting up to date  
  
2008  
  
"saw the kid and didn't expect it to be me anymore hey?"  
  
"urm"...  
  
this was the truth but it sounded somehow rude  
  
"well"...  
  
Ron trailed off but Hermione just laughed  
  
"it doesn't matter , honestly, I mean I haven't seen you since graduation, you look...well...great"  
  
"so do you"  
  
"thanks, but theres no need to lie, ive got a 24 hour job looking after him" she gestured to the child "I have no time to look good"  
  
Ron hadn't been lying but now his mind was taken up with other things  
  
"so er, so, he is yours then"  
  
"of course hes mine" she shifted the position of the child on her hip a little  
  
Ron tried to avoid the question he was inevitably going to have to ask  
  
"so, have you seen Harry"  
  
Hermione could see what he was doing but she played along all the same  
  
"no, nt since, well...I see him in the news quite often though obviously, its always strange to think we could have all still been a gang now if"... "anyway, that doesn't matter now does it, it happened and we cant change that can we?"  
  
Hermione seemed half to be talking to herself, a habit she had all ways had, there was a slitely awkward pause  
  
"well" Ron pointed at the boy in hermiones arms "whats his name?"  
  
hermiones cheeks reddened a little "si, everyone presumes its short for simon, but actually, well, his names Sirius" Ron opened his mouth but she cut him off before hed even had time to get any words out "I mean I know it's a bit, erm, unusual,but Sirius helped us so much and I don't know, when he was born I just sort of said it to the healer without thinking"  
  
"don't be so uptight 'mione, I think it's a great name, but how old his he exactly"  
  
this was obviously the question theyd both been dreading  
  
"hes 2"  
  
Ron ran a hand through his hair, "oh"  
  
Authors note: soz its abit short again but you know, and ive only got 2008 in it, but thanks everyone who reads especially thoughs who reply  
  
Love ya puddins'  
  
Lotte!!! 


	4. a niggle

2008

CHAPTER 4: a niggle

Hermione looked down at her son and then up at rons shocked expression

"we cant talk now, my fiancé will be here soon"

"your what?"

if possible Ron looked even more shocked than 10 seconds before

"ill explain all of it tomorrow, ill meet you back here at 11 okay?"

Hermione was looking around guiltily and quickly, searching for someone, looking worried, urgently, she shoed Ron away

Sat in a coffee shop the next morning neither knew quite what to say

"so, what have you been doing the last few years then?"

Hermione said, making a vane attempt at conversation

"im studying to become an aura, final exams are soon, im living just down the road from here, the landlords a muggle but that's life… fred and gorges joke shops still doing well, but I suppose you would have heard that any way"…

"no actually" Hermione stared down at her coffee, stirring it listlessly and way more than needed

"no I haven't, I, well, I haven't heard anything from the magical world for the last 3 years"…

Ron almost choked on his cake

"why the bloody hell not?"

Hermione shrugged, once again looking slightly guilty

"I don't know, I thought it would be safer and, well, I didn't want to run in to you"

"why? Why not?"

"because of si', I thought you'd hate me, hate him"

Ron's cake was crushed in his fist, his knuckles were white, but this was the only way he was showing his emotions

"you didn't even give me a chance to do that did you? Not that I would have, but you obviously don't need me now, your engaged to someone else, I bet he looks after you both just fine"

Ron pushed his chair back, ready to get up and leave but Hermione shot out a hand to stop him

"no, no, Ron, he doesn't even know im a witch Ron" tears began rolling down her face "he doesn't even now that the magic world exists, Ron, he doesn't even know my real name"

2005

Hermione blushed a deep red as professor McGonagall's words washed over her, she wasn't shouting, that's what made it worse, she couldn't tell the professor what was wrong, couldn't tell her about how she spent every moment wanting ron with every particle of her body, how the halls could be full of mass murderers on there nightly rounds and they wouldn't notice, they were so wrapped up in each other, how her homework was being neglected, her class work getting sloppy and most of all she couldn't tell her about a new, niggling, little worry forming in the back of her mind…


	5. watchful eyes

Distance

2008

Ron stopped, the pain in hermiones eyes was unbearable

"what?"

Hermione half shook her head

"it doesn't matter, I love him" seeing the look on rons face, knowing he'd always been able o see through any façade shed aver put up she repeated the words

"I do ron, I love him and hes good with si, and he doesn't need to know redundant facts does he, ive not picked up a wand in 3 years" he could see the tears welling up in her eyes

"that's…that's just not me anymore"

Ron could see the pain in her ready to cry eyes

"and what happens when Si gets his owl in 10 years time?"

Hermiones eyes flickered down to were the small boy was sleep in in her lap, her arms wrapped protectively around him

"no"

she said the word almost under her breath

"hes not going there"

her voice cracked as she said it

the mans scruffy black hair flew wildly in to his face, before streaming (as much as hair cut, or not cut, in that scruffy, jawbone length style worn proudly by indie rockers and people who simply cant be arsed to get there hair cut can stream)behind him as he plummeted earthwards, the reflection of a tiny golden ball he was fast approaching flickered in his vivid green eyes, the same vivid green eyes that stared down on sleeping fans at night from bedroom posters, the vivid green eyes that had enchanted many a school girl from the pages of magazines, as the man grabbed the tiny gold ball a crowd roared and he pulled his broom to a stop, holding his fist aloft to ecstatic cheers and announcers shouts.

Moments later harry potter touched down on the earth, climbing off of his broom and smiling dully his hair blowing in front of his forhead revealing and then hiding his lightening shaped scar.

He scanned the crowd as he always did, hoping against hope for a familiar red crop of hair or angry call of his name but being as disappointed as ever, as a handle of the quiditch world cup was shoved in to his ungrateful hands.


	6. in to thin beckton

Chapter 6

Ron lay down heavily on the slightly moth eaten sofa in the middle of his living room, he put his face in his hands

Shit

This wasn't happening, he had a son…Hermione wasn't Hermione anymore, she had left and in her place was a shoddy muggle imitation named Hannah green, a library assistant and waitress, engaged to a truly plane and unremarkable IT manager called ben.

Ron hadn't met this Ben but Hermione had told him about him, he somehow felt fiercely territorial now, like someone had stolen something that was his.

In that moment he'd realised who she was last night he'd suddenly felt sick with how much he'd missed her and Harry, she had disappeared in to thin air, well, in to thin beckton as it turned out, he saw Harry though, and it hurt every time.

He'd see photos of him out with mates as he passed windows of shops selling tabloids anywere magical, he saw the live coverage of his quiditch games and knew if things had been just a little different he would be there watching in the flesh, be the one partying with Harry, Hermione too, maybe if he hadn't kissed her in that hallway….

Maybe then there would be no Ben, no si, no stupid arguments and fueds, suddenly, he wanted more than anything for it all to be all right again, for them to be back at Hogwarts before any of this had begun.

2005

Harry almost barrelled in to ron as he ran full tilt in to the common room, flushed from the running he grabbed ron by the shoulders, he was half laughing half crying

"I've got a try out!"

his breath was coming in short gasps, hed obviously run all the way up from the quiditch field

"the London lions"

he laughed again

Ron was grinning as hard as Harry by now

"ah, mate"

he was lost for words

"next Wednesday"

in a rare show of un-manly affection he pulled ron in to a hug

"you have to come with me"

ron nodded as Harry pulled away and stepped back

"you think id miss this?"


	7. the squid and the wigards

2008

Ron stared dully at the picture in the paper, Harry had a vaguely shocked look on his face, the picture was still, the photographer wanting to catch a moment. The rest of the England team were smacking his old friend on the back, punching the air in victory.

Ron threw the paper down on the coffee table, snorting slightly, although what he realy wanted to do was cry. He picked up the rather beaten up looking letter a nondescript grey owl had brought him earlier, it was in his mothers familiar scrawl, something about a get together, the twins birthday, he scribbled a reply on a piece of printer paper and whistled pig, he wouldn't mid seeing his brothers and sister again, he never did these days. He tied the letter to pigs leg and opened the window. Ron looked at his watch, he was late for a class, he popped out of the room, returning seconds later to retrieve a jacket and rearrange his hair slightly in front of a mirror.

Hours later ron was strolling down an average road in an average neighbourhood, taking in his surroundings, he knocked on the door, it was answered by a tall dark haired man a few years older than ron wearing a shirt and loosened tie with the trousers of a navy suit, mentally, ron scoffed, IT manager….

"can I help you?"

ron was tall too, the man was at eye level

"yes, is"…

he hadn't meant to sound this viscious

"erm, sorry" he cleared his throught

"is her…hannah, is Hannah there?"

the man looked at him in a suspicious, slightly puzzled way and headed down the light blue hall, the floor was that click together fake floor board stuff ron hated, he wished he had sharper shoes so he could scratch the bastards varnish, he was so keying his car later.

"Hannah"

the man, ben, ron admitted to himself, stuck his head in to what was most likely the living room

"Hannah, theres a man here to see you"

ron imagined ben and Hermione were making

'who?' 'I don't know, some wierdo'

faces at each other in the moment that followed and then she was at the door, she looked horribly shocked to see him.

"how did you?"….

ron cocked his eyebrows at her, pointing out that this was a stupid question to ask, especially in the presence of the IT manager

Hermione faulted

"i…hi, ron"

ben smiled

"you do know him then?"

Hermione nodded, placed a hand on her fiancés chest, much to rons disgust, and smiled

"of course I do"

he stroked her wrist

god, why did he have to be so **nice** why couldn't he be an easily hateable bastard?

There was a shuffling noise to the right of them and they all looked around towards the stairs, they could see a small face through the banisters

"want mummy"

Hermione smiled

"in a moment sweety"

ben walked towards the stairs

"I'll see to simon"

Ron looked at Hermione, shocked, but she didn't have time to give him a look back as si's voice was trilling from the stairs

"no, want mummy to tell me about the squid an the wigards"

ron looked from Hermione to his son

"do you mean the giant squid in the lake?"

Sirius nodded his shaggy red head

"and the witches and wizards at school"

the child was grinning

"you tell me 'bout dem" he put a hand to the side of his mouth and leaned in conspiratorily, whispering loudly, obviously completely unaware ben could hear him "daddy don't know bout the squid"

at the word daddy ron turned a little pale, his eyes shining angrily, hating the man who didn't even know his sons name


	8. pillows

2008

2005

the pillow was near soaked with tears, Hermione made a small, strangled noise and sat up, wiping her eyes and sniffing, she stood, headed in to the girls bathroom and positioned herself in front of the mirror, she looked in to her own, shinning wet eyes and still couldn't quite believe what was happening. She couldn't tell him, ruin his life aswell.

**2008**

ron watched the small boy sleeping, a smile playing on his lips. How could somebody so tangled in this same, sticky, deceitful web he was be so carefree?

He had carried the child upstairs to his bed, feeling the weight of his son in his arms for the first time, Hermione was at the door, watching him watch Sirius.

"Ben thinks your some sort of a weirdo, marching in here putting si to bed"

Ron scoffed

"its not realy his problem is it, he doesn't even know the kids name"

Hermione sighed, closing her eyes and Ron pushed past her

She followed him to the top of the stairs

"Ron, don't"…..

"don't worry"

ron looked back, the open door in one hand

"I'll contact you, you've got a fire place haven't you?"

there was real fear in hermiones eyes as ron closed the door behind him

**Harry**

Harry flicked another bottle cap in to the mug and sighed, rolling backwards in to a slightly off rolly poly.

He lay were he had stopped his spin, staring at the ceiling, he should be getting ready but he'd been awake hours and had lost track of time, he pulled himself up, sighing again, and headed for his bedroom, he surveyed the clothes covered floor, kicking things over to see what they were, he wanted to wear jeans but shouldn't he realy go wizard? He ended up in a muddle of robes and muggle garments, he almost laughed as he looked at himself in the mirror, that summed him up then didn't it? He ran a hand through his already tousled hair and popped out of the room, appearing in the leaky cauldron, people looked round at the pop and there were soon shouts of

"potter, good job"

and

"get the man a drink"

he smiled, the world cup was going to get him a lot of free alchol, unless he went to Sweden….

He took one of the pint glasses shoved in to his hands and drank it down in one, he waved the others away

"no, ive got to go, I'll be in later"

he left through the back door, tapped the bricks and stepped in to diagon ally, he kept his head down, but someone still called his name, he raised his head, not wanting to be rude, and was greeted by mrs weasley's arm wrapping around him.

"urrm"

he knew he was turning red

"mrs weasley, I"…

but he didn't have to finish, mrs weasley stepped back, looking him up and down

"your hairs a mess Harry"

he put a hand up to his head sheepishly

"sorry"

mrs weasley looked almost upset

"don't apologise Harry dear, I haven't seen you in so long! how are you?"

"im fine mrs weasley, im late, can we catch up another time"

mrs weasley looked vaguely hurt but nodded

"of course, must have a very busy schedule, I tell you what, why don't you join us for Fred and Georges birthday?"


	9. the burrow

2008

Harry hadn't been going to go to this weasley thing but at the last minute he had pulled on some clothes and aparated to a safer spot before, as unwise as he knew it was, jumpig on his broom and whooshing off to the burrow. The details of the get together had arrived by owl, an owl Harry didn't recognise, he had sent Hedwig to politely decline the offer, he was busy, the note tyed to her left leg said, she had looked happy when he had told her to take it to the burrow, pleased to be going somewhere she knew and liked for once.

Mr weasley answered the door, his face registering a strange mix of surprise and delight

"Harry!"

he had cried, almost nocking the broader man over in an unexpected, distinctly ungruff and manly hug

the rest of the family already there had pushed in to the hall by now and were looking at Harry with a mixture of expressions. Ginny was smiling at him, she looked very different from the image of the little 11 year old girl he had always had in his head, she was tall, her hair a darker red than it used to be, her eyes green like his, bill was standing at the back, no longer the tallest of the brothers and fred and george in front of him, looking as identical as ever, shocked grins plastered across there faces. Mrs weasley was at the front, smiling warmly.

"I knew you'd make it Harry"

he smiled, fiddling, as he always did when he was nervous, with his hair.

"jesus"

everybody, almost in unison turned and filed in to the kitchen

"did you fly?"

george nodded at the broom in harrys hand, Harry looked at it, surprised to find he was holding it at all

"yeah"

he touched it with his other hand

fred raised his eyebrows

"'spose theyd never suspend you though would they"

he smiled as he said it, defusing what could easily have been a malicious comment in that cheeky way he and his twin always had

mrs weasley turned away fro her enchanted sauce pans to shoo the clan out of her kitchen, the garden was bathed in midday sun although midday had long since passed and Harry was hit by a barrage of memorys.

"ron'll be here in a while"

Harry was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear the younger woman speak

"Harry"

she pulled on his sleeve, and repeated her sentence as he looked over

"Ron'll be here soon"

Harry nodded shakily, of course Ron was coming, that's why he wasn't going to but this morning, when he had disaperated from his bedroom he had half wanted to see his old friend as he always did, he walked along diagon ally and oxford street alike, eyes peeled for that shock of hair, not that he would want to see him anyway….

an: I am very sorry about the awfulness of this chapter :P


	10. dont feel it

**AN:**I am REALLY sorry both about the terrible writing in this chapter and the fact I haven't updated for months…

**2005**

Ron stared disbelievingly at Hermione's retreating back, tears were building up just under his eyes but he was in to much shock to stop their steady course down his face when they overflowed.

"_I'm sorry Ron, I just don't feel it anymore."_

When had this happened? Had she still felt it last week when they had spent over an hour just talking? A couple of days after that when they had been on a midnight exploration of the castle discovering 3 new rooms and having more fun dressing up in the second than they probably should have considering Ron's wig and lipstick?

Had she still felt it last night which they had spent alone together in an empty classroom?

He supposed he would never know.

He had been standing in the same spot for a long time, maybe minutes, maybe hours, what did it matter? Finally, he noticed how wet and sore his face was from the salty tears, he wiped them away, his face eyes were probably puffy now as well, not that he cared that much at that particular moment in time. He slid down the wall he was leaned against, the rough stone scraping his back through his thin black T-shirt and sat on the icy slate floor, crying hopelessly, his spine crunching painfully against the wall with each sob..

**2008**

Harry twisted the fingers of his left hand with his right nervously as Charlie weasley told him animatedly about a new bread of dragon.

"they think it could be useful when war finally does break out ag"….

Noticing the both melancholy and angered look on his mothers face he faltered.

"I mean, well…let's talk about something else shall we…Harry I'm sure you can tell us all about what it's like to..well..you know…be **you**"

Harry's vision cleared as he heard his name and blinked quickly

"eh, what?"

he had been listening to Charlie until he had seen mrs weasley's face, this family had lost 2 son's to the war, unresolved issues and hidden angst bubbled to the surface of his psyche at the thought as he had known they would tonight.

Mrs. Weasley smiled at his rude confusion

"there's the Harry we all know and love"

this simple statement almost brought a tear to Harry's eye but he just smiled, coughed and stopped fiddling with his hands.

Ginny, who had just entered the room looked at him in a strangely sideways way.

"what are you looking so stiff and uncomfortable for?"

he fiddled with his hair and half shrugged, half laughed

Ginny rolled her eyes

"go in to the living room and sit down potter, anyone would think you were at a wake."

**2005**

it was past ten when Harry slipped through the portrait hole and in to the Gryffindor common room, he expected to find it half full but Ron was sitting alone on the floor, head back against the front of a large arm chair.

Harry threw his bag hard in to the corner and some of the contents skittered out and across the floor.

Ron looked up in his direction at the sudden activity and noise and he glared back, eyes icy.

Ron opened his mouth, then closed it again, his face was red and blotchy, he had obviously been crying.

"what the hell have you been crying about?"

Harry's tone was as icy as his glare had been and Ron did another gold fish impression

"well?"

Harry slumped down on a nearby sofa, pulling off his mud caked shoes.

"I…why the anger?"

Ron looked genuinely confused and Harry threw down the shoes as hard as he had his bag

"It's Wednesday Ron you brainless git."

Ron carried on with his confused look and Harry, getting exasperated as well as angry, raised his voice.

"I had my try out Ron!"

Ron blinked a shocked blink, his blue eyes registering both horror and surprise.

"oh shit, Harry im sorry, Hermione dumped me, I"…

the red heads face paled to the colour of off milk as he realised what he had just said

"Hermione what?"

the other boys voice was barely more than a whisper.


	11. Meet Again

Whimsy007: Harry only **seems** the least maladjusted, there hasn't been much about him from his point of view yet. Hermione made her excuses for Ron, besides how do you know Ben made no connections? He's hardly the kind of guy who would create conflict with someone he has just met.

All the weasleys being there was inconsistency on my part, I originally killed Charlie but when I went to write this chapter I thought it had been bill for some reason. From this moment forth it shall be……..bill, 'cos that'll be easier to correct :D

**2005**

Ron turned away from Harry's questioning, accusing gaze, he stared down at his own knee's, which were pulled up under his chin as he mumbled incoherently about him and Hermione and….that was all Harry could make out.

"you what?"

his forehead was creased with questioning.

"I"…

although most of Ron's face was pale his ears and cheek's were begging to obtain a violently red hue.

Harry was still shooting him a look that could have killed.

"I"…he picked at his trouser's..

"we were an item".

Harry's knuckle's were white

"how long for?"

"a couple of months"…

Ron's reply was barely audible, he was now staring at Harry's chest, which rose as he filled it with an angry lungful of air, rather than his face.

Suddenly Harry was standing up and leaning over Ron, towering, for once, over the taller boy, his face filled with rage.

"why didn't you tell me?"

Ron was almost afraid of his friend, amazed at the hurt and almost vicious anger in his voice.

"Im sorry Harry, we…I…didn't think" the red head was almost crying "It was secret" he finished off, knowing it was completely lame even as the words left his mouth.

**2008**

Ron patted vainly at his hair as he reached out a fist to knock on the door of his family home, he needn't have bothered extending his arm said door was yanked open before the fist had even landed.

"Ron!"

his little sister flung her arms around the tall, grinning man so hard she almost bowled him over.

"heya gin"

he extracted himself from her embrace.

"how you doing?"

she ignored his question, dragging him in to the crowded living room were his family greeted him with shouts, not that he noticed, he was staring wide eyed at the man who had just been deposited next to him by his mother.

"Harry?"

the name was barely above a whisper but the man nodded.

"hi Ron"

Ron was still taking in his old friend, shock evident in his face as he looked the man up and down, absorbed the trainers, jeans and black T-shirt he was wearing, his clean shaven face, shockingly green eyes and messy dark hair and punched him square in the jaw.


	12. tantrums

**2005**

Hermione looked down at the toast that she really didn't want, poking it lightly with a butter knife as it slowly went cold.

She felt predictably nauseas and would surely have her head stuck half way down a toilet were it not for the potions and spells magic made available for such things. She wasn't going to eat the damn toast, she was only here avoiding Ron, who was holed up in his dorm; missing breakfast, he must really love her.

The thought brought tears to her eyes, which were overflowing so often these days she may as well transfigure herself in to a sink with a dripping tap and be done with it.

**2008**

Hermione pulled Si's T-shirt over his sticky little body, he was squirming like a salamander, his hair falling all over his face.

"Sirius, you have to wear a T-shirt"

Si beared his teeth at her

She never used his full name but he hadn't even noticed, 2 year olds and sugar don't mix as Ben had yet to learn, he was never here after he gave Si coco pops and lolly's before he went to work. He let him watch to many cartoons as well….

" Si **will** **you** please **put the damn T-shirt on"**

she was really going to lose it with the child, she was already shouting and it wasn't even noon.

Sirius wriggled out of his mothers firm grip and sat himself down n the floor

"don't wanna T-shir'"

Hermione looked down at her son, his ears glowing red beneath his shock of red hair, he was just like his dad, he wasn't going to give up.

She scooped him up gently.

"get in the buggy then"

she put him down in the 4 wheeled contraption and tucked his t-shirt in beside him

"maybe you'll put it on later"

Si took hold of her face, planting a sloppy kiss on the end of her nose

"'ater"

he nodded, smiling now, the tantrum tears quickly drying.

**the burrow**

Harry rubbed his face looking slightly dazed.

His eyes connected with Rons and he nodded slowly, a silent acknowledgment by both of them that this wasn't just going to go away.

"I've missed you"

Ron nodded

"you to"

suddenly the two men were aware of the entire weasley family watching their erratic

behaviour , both smiled and looked around at the assembled crew.

"so"

Ron addressed them all, taking a deep breath and clapping his hands lightly together

"hows everyone been"

and the room broke out in to enthusiastic chatter once more.

**the bookshop**

Hermione locked the door to the office quietly so as not to wake the sleeping si.

She walked tentatively over to his push chair, unzipping his dark blue changing bag and rooting around in the bottom, pulling out 20 odd centimetres of wood, it looked like one of those novelty pencils that can be bought for extortionate sums of money at monkey sanctuarys and theme parks.

She fingered the stick gently, looking nervously over at her son who was breathing steadily, his dancing blue eyes closed.

Hermione whispered something quietly and flicked the wrist that was holding the stick.


	13. manly

**2005**

Harry potter kicked his broomstick as hard as he could, the protective spells around the relatively thin piece of wood jarring his foot horribly, he dropped the one end he was holding, letting it fall silently in to the muddy, trodden grass.

He stamped on the brush end now, dirt caking the delicate looking twigs which were under the same damn spell as the rest of the thing. The intricate gold lettering on the side of the broom was lost in a grey puddle as the whole thing flipped over from the force of the boys last stamp.

He kicked it weakly one last time before he sat down, right in the middle of the waterlogged field, his head in his muddy hands, the rain that he hadn't noticed falling dripping down the back of his neck and in to his robes.

He didn't understand how they could have done this to him, kept this from him.

Even as he thought this he knew it was jealousy motivating him, Ron and Hermione had had a secret, a big secret and they hadn't shared it with him.

They had cared about each other; still did care in Ron's case more than they ever could about him.

He lay back, not caring that his hair was going to be matted with mud, letting the rain fall on his overheated face were it mixed with his angry, humiliated tears.

The worst thing was that he hadn't noticed, was he that wrapped up in him self that he didn't even notice such a change in the dynamic of his friend's relationship; his relationship?

Maybe he was being crazy, maybe he'd just been inattentive.

Maybe if he'd payed them the attention they deserved, not been so self obsessed…but he had liked her like **that**, at least had thought he did, as it was almost inevitable he would someday-being so close to her, loving her in the platonic way…He had confided in Ron and Ron had told him it would pass, it was a crush, his mind playing tricks, a temporary infatuation because he couldn't distinguish between love and friendship. Not in those words of course but that had been the sentiment.

They couldn't have been together then; that was more than six months ago-had Ron been in love with her then? Had he not thought about it?

Maybe that had triggered it, turned him hypocritical and given **him** an infatuation.

Harry supposed he would never know, Ron was hardly going to tell him and he sure as hell wouldn't be asking. He closed his eyes, lying there on the quiditch field alone in the middle of a rather hearty April shower was doing little to cheer him up and was leaving way to much room for thought but he didn't want to move.

**Ginny**

Ginny glanced out of the changing rooms window, it would probably be okay to make a run for it now, she half regretted her decision to slip, literally due to the state of her shoes, in here to escape the rain as she had dashed across the quiditch field close to an hour ago. Some fool had been zipping around above her despite the storm and she had half expected who ever it was to join her and relieve her boredom but she had had no such luck, the only living thing she had seen since entering the changing room was a spider she had decided was called Malick. She watched him now as he scuttled along the window sill and waved a half hearted good bye.

"im off to get my hair wet again now malick, take care, don't let a cat or a first year pull your legs off will you?"

the spider didn't respond and she sighed

"no, you wouldn't would you, being a spider"

she said out loud

"maybe ill come and visit someday"

and she was out of the door, vainly pulling her jumper over her head to protect her already slightly frizzy hair.

She squinted, was it the rain and crap eyesight or was there someone lying in the middle of the field?

Harry sat up as soon as he felt ginny's hand on his shoulder, she had given him a fright, he'd thought he was alone out here.

"are you okay?"

she hauled him to his feet, she had muscle for such a tiny person.

He nodded them seemed to change his mind.

"it's complicated"

Ginny nodded back, her jumper fallen back to her shoulders, her hair sticking to her face, neck and back.

"you didn't crash or anything then? Didn't think you ever crashed"

Harry smiled slightly, bending to pick up his very muddied broom

"nope, doesn't happen often"

she smiled back up at him, he was a head and shoulders taller than her and about twice as broad as the tiny girl, she took the broomstick from him and he took one end back

"what are you doing?"

she raised her eyebrows

"im carrying it for you Einstein, you look terrible"

Harry snorted

"well, thanks a bunch queen Victoria"

Ginny looked slightly bemused

"queen who?"

He chuckled softly, his mud streaked face loosening up.

"it doesn't matter. What does matter is me proving to you I'm a big strong man who can carry both"…

he yanked the wooden handle out of her hand and held it firmly in one of his own

"my broomstick"…

with his free arm he scooped her up, heaving her over his shoulder as if he were a fireman or she were a sack of potatoes.

"and you, all the way back to the common room"

she laughed and hit his back

"put me down potter"

"nuhu"

he hit the back of her legs lightly with the broom handle

"not until you tell me im a big strong man"

she laughed again, still hitting him although not half as hard as she could have.

"im going to have to carry you then, all the way back to the common room, to show you I can"

"oh yeah?"

ginny squirmed

"that's a bet is it?"


	14. Stars

**2008**

He could hardly face the tears and tantrums tonight. Harry knew it would be hard to let sleeping dogs lie even now, the vicious anger; the finality of their last real encounter amazed him to this day-the half wars they had each fought alone divided them and yet brought them together as wars tend to do- setting muggles and wizards alike hugging, crying and singing, afraid that each moment will be their last. But now, in this tense lul in the action they all new it was time to unite and that meant Harry and Ron as well as everyone else.

On the Weasleys cool, dark porch, the stars in plain and beautiful view everyone knew that their minds had all turned to this same topic of war, of loss and regret and of things that should not remain unsaid. As always the people missing from the gathering spoke volumes and Harry remembered quite clearly Percy's last staggering moments; moments when he, Harry, alone new that Percy had redeemed him self indubitably-he half wanted to tell them all, half wanted to save at least one good thing for this train wrecked happy family, all grown up now and trying not to fall apart despite the patches and holes, the frayed edges. This family that had once been so extended. Love stretching across so much, encircling so many in its bubble of hope and protection that had now undeniably burst and burst for the most part, or in Harry's sector at least, from the inside; and so, as Harry looked around him self he couldn't help but half blame him self for the vague deadnes behind the smiling eyes.

**2008**

there was such malice in his green eyes. Ron could hardly breathe for it every time they washed over him, it didn't make him angry, it wasn't reciprocated, it simply made him want to disappear, to die and to stop making people feel such horrible things.

The two boys were alone in the common room, the sky outside was dark and the fire only a weak flicker but they were both attempting to concentrate on long overdue homeworks, Harry distracted by a bubbling anger in his stomach, a jealousy, crossed somehow with immense sadness, heavienes. Ron by a deep rooted despair, shame even, longing and sorry.

"stop looking at me"

Rons head snapped up, they were the first words Harry had spoken to him since their brief exchange over a week ago.

"I wasn't"

Harry looked in to his face

"you keep glancing at me"

"how do you know if you aren't looking at **me**?"

The dark haired boy looked absolutely scathing

"because you are burning two holes in the top of my head, weasley."

Harry was surprised at himself-he sounded dangerously like malfoy, through in a few cheap digs about money and parents and he'd be there.

Ron had obviously heard it to.

"fine".

He stood up, picking up his parchment and quills, brushing softly past Harry towards the dormitory stairs. Harry grabbed his robes.

"no"

"what do you mean 'no?' Ron looked down at the kneeling boy, he looked almost as if he were begging for a moment until his face hardened again and he stood up, his eyes only reaching Rons nose, but his stature intimidating non the less.

"why?"

Harrys whisper was poison, snaking through his friends mind until Ron was forced to visciously ejaculate his answer.

"Because I **love** her potter, not to spite you, not for a silly little game"

Harry scoffed, his eyes burning, invisibly close to tears.

"an infatuation Ron, that's what you said loving 'mione was"

"And it was, wasn't it?"

slowly, Harry nodded, "and how do you know that's not what" he gestured vaguely at Ron "this…is"

"because I do Harry, im sure you'll understand one day when you find someone"…

Harry was almost baring his teeth in rage

"don't you give me that weasley! I understand a hell of a lot more than you about a lot of things"

Ron nodded "no doubt you do…Harry…but love is not one of them"

OK, stopping there, I haven't updated for months! Heh! Urm…no reason really…but I just reread what I've written and its so amazingly atrocious (oo, look alliteration!) that if I had the motivation I would go back and rewrite it ALL-but I don't, so I wont….


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